The key ideas

Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives

Gretchen Rubin, 2015

Why would someone who never missed a practice in high school be unable, as an adult, to make herself go for a run? Gretchen Rubin looks for the answer and finds it in the differences between people. This book is about how different people can reach the same habit by different roads, and how to find yours.

Who it is for

For anyone who has tried popular habit advice, noticed that it doesn't work for everyone, and wants to find an approach that fits them.

Habits are the invisible architecture of daily life.

What the book is about

Gretchen Rubin is having lunch with a friend when the friend suddenly starts to complain. In high school she never once missed track practice. But now, as an adult, she can't make herself go for a run. Why? Same person, same legs, same desire.

Rubin couldn't get the question out of her head. She had already written a book about happiness and had noticed that many changes in life come down to habits. She draws on research into habits: by one estimate she cites, we repeat about forty percent of what we do almost every day.

A lot of habit advice sounds like one recipe for everyone. Rubin asks a different question: why can something that works beautifully for one person fall apart for another by the third day? The answer to her friend's puzzle is coming very soon.

Idea 1. How you respond to expectations

Rubin noticed that people react differently to two kinds of expectations. Outer expectations are a deadline from your boss or a friend's request. Inner expectations are your own decision to start running or spend less time on your phone.

This observation grew into her Four Tendencies. An Upholder usually meets both outer and inner expectations with ease. A Questioner meets only the ones they consider reasonable. An Obliger easily keeps their word to others but struggles to keep it to themselves. A Rebel tends to resist all expectations, even their own.

These are the author's observations, not the result of rigorous scientific research. But many readers recognize themselves from the very first description.

The report for your boss is ready on time, while your own plan to “take evening walks starting Monday” quietly dies by Wednesday.

The same advice can help one person and get in another's way. Sometimes it's more useful to first understand how you respond to expectations, and only then choose a method.

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About the author

Gretchen Rubin is an American writer and the author of the bestseller “The Happiness Project.” Before she became a writer, she worked as a lawyer and clerked for U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She hosts the podcast Happier.

All books by this author: Gretchen Rubin

Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives Quiz

Terms from the book

  • Four Tendencies: Gretchen Rubin's own framework, not a scientific diagnosis: it describes Upholders, Questioners, Obligers and Rebels by how people usually respond to outer and inner expectations. It is the author's observation, not a rigorous scientific classification.
  • Obliger: Someone who, as Rubin describes it, finds it easier to keep promises to others than promises to themselves. External accountability can often help them.
  • Accountability: A situation in which someone outside notices whether you did what you planned: a friend, a group, a coach or a shared schedule.
  • Abstainer: In Rubin's framework, someone who, with a particular habit, finds it easier to give up a temptation completely than to indulge in it a little.
  • Moderator: In Rubin's framework, someone who, with a particular habit, finds it easier to stay on track when a temptation is allowed in small amounts, while a strict ban can trigger a lapse.
  • Loophole: A reasonable-sounding excuse that lets you break your own rule, such as “this doesn't count” or “I'll start tomorrow.”

All terms

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