The key ideas

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, 1999

A friend helps out with an urgent job, but one chart in it turns out badly. How can a short talk about a single chart sour a friendship for months? The authors, from the Harvard Negotiation Project, show that every difficult conversation is really three conversations at once, and suggest how to hold them more honestly.

Who it is for

For anyone who puts off hard conversations with family, colleagues or a boss, or who replays what was said for days afterwards.

Have your feelings, or they will have you.

What this book is about

Michael needs a brochure for a client by tomorrow, and his usual designer is busy. He calls his friend Jack, who gets it done in time. Then Michael spots a chart in the brochure that he thinks needs redoing. Jack is sure everything is clearly labeled. The conversation turns sour, and according to the authors, months later Jack still remembers it bitterly.

Why does something so small hit a friendship so hard? Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project answer like this: in their model, a difficult conversation is three conversations at once. It is a model built on the authors' experience as advisers and teachers, not a rigorous study.

Idea 1. Three conversations in one

On the surface, Jack and Michael are arguing about a chart. But the authors see three layers in that argument.

The first is the "What happened?" conversation: who is right, who meant what, who is to blame. The second is the feelings conversation. Jack silently thinks something like "Is this the thanks I get?", but he doesn't say it out loud. The third is the conversation each of them has with himself. Jack wonders whether he's bad at his job. Michael wonders whether it was foolish to ask a friend.

In the authors' view, each layer has its own trap. In the first, it's arguing about the truth, guessing at intentions and looking for someone to blame. In the second, it's hiding feelings. In the third, it's all-or-nothing thinking about yourself. The rest of the book takes these three layers one at a time.

A couple fights over unwashed dishes. Out loud, it's about plates. Inside, one is thinking "I'm not appreciated", and the other, "I'm the bad one again".

If an argument over something small feels far too heavy, two more conversations may be running underneath it: one about feelings and one about who we are.

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About the author

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen worked with the Harvard Negotiation Project. They taught at Harvard Law School and advised people and organizations on negotiation and conflict.

All books by this author: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen

Terms from the book

  • Three conversations: The authors' model: a difficult conversation holds three at once, the "What happened?" conversation, the feelings conversation and the identity conversation. It is the authors' framework, not a scientific classification.
  • And Stance: The authors' suggestion to hold both your view and the other person's in mind: each of you sees part of the situation. Understanding their version doesn't mean calling it equally valid or agreeing with it.
  • Intention: What a person meant to achieve by what they did. In the authors' view, it is easy to confuse with the impact their action had on us.
  • Contribution: The authors' term for what each person did or didn't do that helped the situation come about. Unlike blame, it passes no verdict on the other person or on yourself.
  • Identity conversation: The inner conversation about what the situation says about us: are we competent, are we good people, are we worthy of love. An image from the authors' model.
  • Third story: The authors' advice: open a difficult conversation by describing the situation the way a neutral observer would, naming the difference between your views rather than naming a culprit.

All terms

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