The key ideas

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

George Simon, 1996

You arrive with a complaint and leave apologizing. Psychologist George Simon offers an unexpected view: sometimes the person beside you is quietly fighting for what they want rather than defending themselves. This book examines covert-aggression tactics and rules for conversations that help you keep your bearings.

Who it is for

For anyone who comes away from a conversation with a loved one, boss, or child feeling guilty again, without understanding how it happened.

How someone uses power is the most reliable test of their character.

What the book is about

You arrive with a clear complaint. Ten minutes into the conversation, you are the one apologizing, and it is hard to remember how that happened. After speaking to this person, somehow the guilt is yours again.

Clinical psychologist George Simon spent many years working with people who live this way around loved ones, bosses, and children. In 1996, he published In Sheep’s Clothing, followed later by a revised edition. His main question is unexpected: what if the person whose conversations leave you feeling guilty is attacking rather than merely defending themselves?

An important qualification. This is the author’s model, built on clinical experience, rather than a diagnostic test. It helps you notice tactics but diagnoses neither you nor your loved ones.

Idea 1. The wolf that looks like a sheep

Simon tells the story of a minister named James. James was absorbed in church work and almost never home. He presented his busy schedule as serving an important cause. From outside, it looked selfless.

Then he was told that marital problems could cost him his place on the church’s council of elders. Suddenly James found time for his family. The author believes it was not the pastor’s words that opened his eyes: he had always seen perfectly well what obstructed his goal.

Simon calls this behavior covert aggression. Someone fights for what they want, for power, gain, or control, but does so subtly, hiding the intention behind concern, service, or hurt feelings.

A colleague spends years “saving” the shared project by staying late, while just as quietly taking all the important decisions for themselves.

The noble packaging of an action may reveal less about intention than how someone changes course when their interests are threatened.

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About the author

George Simon is an American clinical psychologist with a PhD in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University. He writes about manipulation and character disturbance; his books include In Sheep’s Clothing (1996) and Character Disturbance (2011).

All books by this author: George Simon

Terms from the book

  • Rationalization
  • Covert aggression: The author’s term for pursuing a goal, power, or control while concealing the intention behind concern, service, or hurt feelings. Simon’s framework rather than a clinical diagnosis.
  • Selective inattention: A tactic from the book: actively failing to hear requests and warnings that interfere with your plans.
  • Playing the victim: A tactic in the author’s model: presenting yourself as suffering from circumstances to gain sympathy and get your way.
  • Guilt-tripping: A tactic exploiting another person’s conscientiousness by implying they care too little or are doing something wrong.
  • Character disturbance: The author’s concept for people comfortable with their own behavior even when it hurts others. The author’s framework rather than a diagnosis.

All terms

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