The key ideas

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

Nedra Glover Tawwab, 2021

Why do we say yes when we want to say no, and then quietly store up resentment? Nedra Glover Tawwab spent years listening to clients and came to a conclusion: behind exhaustion, anxiety and resentment there is often one thing. The person never said out loud what they expected. You'll learn what kinds of boundaries there are, why we forgot how to set them, and how to state a need clearly, with no apologies and no war.

Who it is for

For anyone who agrees to things they don't want, then gets angry at themselves and everyone else. And for anyone worn out by family, work and their phone who can't tell where exactly the energy is leaking.

People don't know what you want. It's your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

Two weeks after the honeymoon

A young woman came to her first session two weeks after her honeymoon. She had just gotten married, things were going well at work, and still, every morning, getting out of bed was hard. She had promised to help a friend move, taken on someone else's project at work, and wanted to be the best at everything: the best friend, daughter, sister, colleague, and now wife. The first thing she said was: “I'm overwhelmed.”

That is how Nedra Glover Tawwab's book begins. Tawwab is an American clinical social worker. For many years she has counseled people about relationships, and she runs a practice in Charlotte. Her short posts on social media drew a huge audience, and in 2021 this book came out and became a bestseller.

Tawwab's central idea is simple and uncomfortable. Many of the troubles people bring to her, from exhaustion to endless resentment toward family, grow from a single root. The person never said out loud what they expected, and never acted in a way that gave their words weight. Boundaries, as she defines them, are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.

Ahead are twelve chapters: how to notice that your boundaries are missing, where that started, how to talk about your expectations, and what to do with the guilt once your “no” has finally been said.

You can't make more time, you can only stop giving it away

Tawwab calls the young woman from the first chapter Kim. Kim listed everything she had already agreed to do, and it was clear that all of it together wouldn't fit into any week. Tawwab told her honestly: there is no way to create more time, but we can work on taking some of the load off.

She suggested something simple: hand some of it to other people. Kim objected that she wanted to do the helping herself. Then it became clear what everything rested on. For Kim, being the best meant always saying yes. Saying no felt rude and selfish to her.

This is the first trap the book takes apart. It seems as if anxiety comes from having too much to do. In fact, Tawwab believes, what Kim lacked wasn't time but the ability to say no. Every yes to someone else was a small no to herself, and all those no's to herself added up to mornings when she didn't want to get up.

When Kim went through her schedule, she saw that she had taken on far too much. The way out wasn't a planner but a single word. Saying no would give her back the time she had been looking for, and with it, a little less anxiety in the mornings.

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About the author

Nedra Glover Tawwab is an American clinical social worker and relationship counselor, and the founder of a private practice in Charlotte, North Carolina. Millions of people read her short posts about boundaries on social media.

All books by this author: Nedra Glover Tawwab

Terms from the book

  • Burnout
  • assertiveness
  • Charlotte
  • Codependency
  • Kim: A client of Tawwab's whose story opens the book: newly married, successful at work and unable to say no to anyone. The author changed her name.
  • Resentment: In Tawwab's book, a signal that a boundary has been crossed. In her words, resentment is disappointment mixed with anger and fear.
  • Porous boundaries: A term from the book: weak boundaries, where a person can't say no, overshares and lives through other people's problems.
  • Rigid boundaries: A term from the book: boundaries that act as walls, where a person lets no one close and holds on to strict rules with no exceptions.
  • Healthy boundaries: A term from the book: a person knows their values, opens up to people who have earned their trust, and calmly says and hears "no".
  • Intellectual boundaries: One of Tawwab's six types of boundaries: the right to your own thoughts, ideas and beliefs without ridicule or dismissal.
  • Passive aggression: Expressing displeasure indirectly: instead of saying it straight, a person sulks in silence, ignores, complains to third parties or makes snide remarks.
  • Eric: A client of Tawwab's who grew up with a father who drank. In the book his story shows the difference between a hint and a real boundary. The author changed his name.
  • Memorial Day: An American holiday on the last Monday in May honoring fallen service members. For many families it opens the summer and is traditionally marked with a barbecue.

All terms

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