The key ideas

Stop Checking Your Likes

Susie Moore, 2020

We have learned to measure our worth by how others react: likes, praise, approval. Confidence coach Susie Moore shows how to climb out of that trap and lean on your own opinion of yourself. This book is about why you don't have to be liked by everyone, why criticism says more about the critic than about you, and why confidence is a decision, not a gift you are born with.

Who it is for

For anyone who catches themselves checking likes and waiting for someone else's approval before daring to do their own thing. And for everyone who is tired of living with one eye always on what other people think.

Nothing has to be perfect. It just has to be in motion.

The minute after you post

You post a photo and put your phone down. A minute later your hand reaches for it on its own: how many likes, who looked, who stayed quiet. If there are only a few reactions, your mood drops, even though five minutes ago everything was fine.

Confidence coach Susie Moore believes the problem isn't social media at all. A like is just the most visible sign of a habit that runs deeper: measuring your worth by how others react. Your boss's praise, your mum's approval, a nod from a friend all work exactly the same way.

Picture Katya. She's thirty, with a good job and good friends, but she runs every decision past other people first: she asks her sister, posts in the group chat, waits to see what people say. Without someone else's yes, her own yes somehow doesn't count.

In the pages ahead, you'll see where this habit comes from, why you don't have to be liked by everyone, why a nasty comment says more about its author than about you, and why confidence turns out to be a decision, not a gift you are born with.

Someone else holds the remote to your mood

From childhood we learn to be accommodating to parents, teachers and friends. We get praised for being obedient, for top marks, for not causing trouble. Bit by bit, approval turns into a currency that seems to buy you the right to feel okay. This need has a name: validation, outside confirmation that you're all right.

The trouble is that other people's judgement keeps shifting and never stops. Today they're pleased with you, tomorrow they're not, and off you go chasing praise again. The book has a name for this state: the approval trap. As long as your mood depends on what others think, someone else always holds the remote.

Katya buys a jacket she really loves. But she won't wear it until a friend tells her it looks great. The friend is busy and forgets to reply, and the jacket hangs in the wardrobe for two weeks, waiting for someone else's permission.

The way out Moore offers sounds simple: the only approval you really need is your own. That doesn't mean not caring about anyone around you. It means you stop asking others for permission to be yourself.

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About the author

Susie Moore is a confidence coach and the author of books on self-worth. She used to be a senior sales executive in New York, and left her corporate career to write columns and help people stop depending on other people's approval.

All books by this author: Susie Moore

Terms from the book

  • Procrastination
  • Self-esteem
  • assertiveness
  • Perfectionism
  • intuition
  • Projection
  • Validation
  • Comfort Zone
  • Impostor syndrome
  • Like: A mark of approval under a social media post. In the book it stands for any praise we wait for from others.
  • Approval: A sign that others are pleased with you and accept you. Moore shows how the habit of seeking it ends up running our mood.
  • Approval trap: An image from the book: living for other people's verdict and losing your footing in yourself. It is the author's own phrase, not a scientific term.
  • Feed: The stream of other people's posts on a social network, scrolled one after another. It usually shows hand-picked good moments.
  • Comparison: The habit of judging yourself against other people. On social media it is especially misleading: you see your own life whole, and other people's only as a shop window.
  • Reach: The number of people who saw a post on social media. One of those numbers that are easy to mistake for your own worth.
  • Coelho: Paulo Coelho, the Brazilian writer, author of the novel The Alchemist. Moore quotes his words about critics.
  • Anonymity: Being able to act without giving your name. Online, it frees people to say harsh things.
  • Rejection: A “no” in answer to a request or an attempt. Moore suggests seeing it as proof that you actually tried.

All terms

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