The key ideas

Thanks for the Feedback

Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen, 2014

A father gives his twin daughters the same advice. One hears help; the other hears “you think I’m clumsy.” The authors of Difficult Conversations explain why feedback about us so often hurts and how to learn to listen even when it is inaccurate, unfair, and poorly timed.

Who it is for

For anyone hurt by comments from a boss, partner, or parent, and anyone who wants to learn from feedback rather than simply defend against it.

No matter how much power or authority the feedback giver has, the receiver decides what to let in, how to interpret what they hear, and whether to change.

About the book

A father takes his twin daughters to practice batting. He tells both the same things: how to stand, how to swing, how to watch the ball. One listens with interest. The other slumps and snaps, “You think I’m clumsy!”

The words are identical. Why did one hear advice while the other heard a verdict?

Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen have spent many years teaching people how to handle difficult conversations. They noticed that people are taught to give feedback, yet much depends on the receiver. In their view, that person chooses what to let in, how to interpret what they hear, and whether to change anything. Their book is about listening to feedback about yourself, even when it is inaccurate and unpleasant.

An honest qualification: this is the authors’ model, built on their consulting practice. It includes research, but much of the advice comes from their experience rather than being a law.

Idea 1. Three different conversations under one name

In the authors’ model, the word “feedback” hides three different things. Appreciation: “I see your effort; you matter to us.” Coaching: “Here is how you can do better.” Evaluation: “Here is where you stand compared with a standard or other people.”

This is exactly where the confusion arose with the twins. The father offered coaching. One daughter heard it that way; the other heard evaluation.

The authors observe that evaluation sounds loudest: until people know “where they stand,” they may struggle to hear advice. That is why it is better to separate these into different conversations.

You show a friend your first drawing, hoping for “Great, keep going.” Instead, your artist friend offers twelve criticisms. They wanted to help, but you needed encouragement.

Hurt feelings about feedback may begin not with its content, but with expecting one kind of conversation and getting another. Sometimes it is enough to ask, “Is this advice or an evaluation?”

Read in Livria

About the author

Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen worked for many years at the Harvard Negotiation Project, teach at Harvard Law School, and founded the consulting firm Triad. Together with Bruce Patton, they wrote the bestseller Difficult Conversations.

All books by this author: Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen

Terms from the book

  • coaching
  • Blind spots: An image from the book: aspects of your behavior, tone, or habits that others see but you struggle to notice yourself.
  • Switchtracking: The authors’ term, given a translated label by Livria in Russian: the conversation quietly moves from the content of feedback to the relationship with its giver, and each person talks about a different issue.
  • Recovery time: One of three temperament variables in the authors’ description: how quickly someone returns to their usual state after praise or criticism.
  • Second score: The authors’ term for how someone responds to a bad evaluation, as distinct from the evaluation itself. An image for self-observation, rather than a measurable indicator.
  • Small experiment: A technique from the book: test questionable advice once instead of immediately deciding “for the rest of my life.”

All terms

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