The key ideas

The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga, 2013

Can you become happy without changing your past and without waiting for other people's approval? A Japanese philosopher and a writer answer with an argument between a teacher and a young man that stretches over five nights. You will learn why people need anger and fear, how to separate your own tasks from other people's, and why freedom takes the courage to be disliked by someone.

Who it is for

For anyone tired of bending to other people's expectations and blaming the past when life does not work out. And for anyone who wants to understand Adler's psychology without textbooks, through a lively argument.

You are not living to satisfy other people's expectations.

Five nights in a philosopher's study

On the outskirts of an old Japanese city lives a philosopher who teaches something strange: the world is simple, and anyone can become happy, starting today. A young man who is unhappy with himself and his life hears about it. He decides to visit the philosopher and tear his teaching apart in argument. So begin the five nights of conversation that make up this book.

It was written by two people. Ichiro Kishimi is a Japanese philosopher, an expert in ancient philosophy and in the psychology of Alfred Adler, and the translator of Adler's works into Japanese. Fumitake Koga is a professional writer, the author of many popular books. They built their book as a dialogue, much like the dialogues of Plato: teacher and student argue in earnest, and nobody smooths the argument over.

Adler was an Austrian psychologist, a contemporary of Freud and Jung. His ideas still sound bold today. The past does not decide for you. You do not have to choose anger. And all of a person's troubles are, one way or another, tied to other people. The young man objects at every step, and his objections are often exactly the ones that would occur to you.

After these five nights with them, you will understand why change is so hard, where your responsibility ends and someone else's begins, and why freedom takes the courage to be disliked. This is not a comforting book. It asks a lot, but it gives a lot too.

The friend who never leaves his room

The young man starts with an example. He has a friend who has not left his room for several years. As soon as the friend thinks about going outside, he is gripped by such anxiety that he cannot step over the threshold. Something hard must have happened to him in the past, the young man says. Doesn't that prove the past controls us?

The philosopher's answer is unexpected. The friend does not stay home because of anxiety. He is anxious because he has decided not to go out. First comes the goal, to stay in the room, and anxiety and fear appear as the means to that goal. The philosopher stresses that the friend is not pretending: his anxiety is real.

This is the book's main fork in the road. Explaining behaviour by causes from the past is etiology, the study of causes. That is how Freud looked at people. Adler offers a different view. It is teleology, from the Greek word for goal. What matters is not what pushed a person from behind but what they are moving towards now. That is why Adler denies that trauma seals a person's fate. We are determined not by the experience itself but by the meaning we give it.

This does not mean that what you have been through weighs nothing. Adler admits that hard events have a strong influence on a person. But influence does not turn into a sentence: what to do with that experience next is up to you.

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About the author

Ichiro Kishimi is a Japanese philosopher, an expert in ancient philosophy and in the psychology of Alfred Adler, and Adler's translator into Japanese. Fumitake Koga is a Japanese writer, the author of many popular books.

All books by this author: Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga

Terms from the book

  • Freud
  • Aristotle
  • Plato
  • Jung
  • Self-acceptance
  • Power struggle
  • Trauma
  • Adler: Alfred Adler (1870 to 1937), an Austrian psychiatrist and psychologist, the founder of individual psychology. He first worked alongside Freud, then founded his own school.
  • Etiology: The study of causes. In the book the word names the explanation of a person's behaviour by events in their past.
  • Teleology: The study of purposes, from the Greek "telos", meaning goal. In the book the word names Adler's view: behaviour is explained by the goal a person is moving towards.
  • Lifestyle: Adler's concept: how a person sees themselves and the world, and how they are used to acting in it. According to Adler, it is chosen, not given at birth.
  • Feeling of inferiority: The sense that you fall short in some way of what you would like to be. For Adler this is a normal feeling that can push a person to grow.
  • Inferiority complex: In Adler's terms: using a shortcoming as an excuse to do nothing.
  • Apparent cause and effect: A phrase from the book: false logic of the kind "I cannot succeed because...", where the cause actually serves as an excuse.
  • Superiority complex: In Adler's terms: trying to look better than you are, for example by boasting or by showing off connections with powerful people.
  • Life tasks: Adler's concept: the three kinds of relationships every adult faces: work, friendship and love.
  • Life-lie: Adler's phrase: the habit of avoiding the life tasks by shifting responsibility onto other people or circumstances.
  • Separation of tasks: A principle from the book: before stepping in, ask who will live with the consequences of a choice. Whoever will live with them is the one who decides.
  • Desire for recognition: The wish to be approved of and praised by others. The book suggests giving it up.
  • Gordian knot: A knot from an ancient Greek legend that nobody could untie. According to the story, Alexander the Great cut it with his sword.
  • Alexander the Great: Alexander the Great (356 to 323 BC), king of Macedon and a general who built a vast empire stretching from Greece to India.
  • Community feeling: Adler's key concept: the sense of being part of a community of people in which you have your own place.
  • Vertical relationships: In the book: relationships where one person is above and the other below, for example where one judges and the other waits to be judged.
  • Horizontal relationships: In the book: relationships between equals, who may still be very different from each other.
  • Encouragement: In Adler's terms: support without praise or reproach, based on equality and gratitude.
  • Self-affirmation: Here: trying to convince yourself that you are better than you really are. The book sets it against self-acceptance.
  • Unconditional confidence: In the book: trusting a person without collateral or guarantees, while understanding that you might be let down.
  • Feeling of contribution: The sense that you are of use to others. In the book, this is what happiness is.
  • Kinesis: Aristotle's term: movement that has value only because it leads to a goal.
  • Energeia: Aristotle's term: an activity that has value at every moment, not only at the end.
  • Guiding star: An image from the book: a landmark that keeps you from losing your way. For Adler it is the thought "I am of use to others".

All terms

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