The key ideas

The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now

Meg Jay, 2012

People say thirty is the new twenty and there's no rush. Clinical psychologist Meg Jay spent years listening to people who believed that, and she argues against it. Through her clients' stories and the research, she shows how an adult life is built from small decisions: work, the people around you, the people closest to you, even your brain. You'll learn where to find support when you have none, and where to start when you can't see the shore.

Who it is for

For anyone between twenty and thirty who feels that real life will start later. And for anyone starting over: after a move, after a breakup, or at the point when the old life has stopped bringing joy and it's unclear where to go next.

Not making a choice doesn't mean you're safe. It just means the consequences come later.

Twenty-six, and it somehow doesn't count yet

Meg Jay's first client, back when she was a new psychologist, was a twenty-six-year-old named Alex. Alex wanted to talk about men. Privately, Jay thought of Alex's current romance as "dating down": the man was clearly not right for her, but neither of them wanted to jump to conclusions. After all, your twenties are for trying things out, and thirty, as everyone says, is the new twenty. Jay's supervisor saw it differently. He told her that the best time to work on your marriage is before you have one.

That sentence became the start of this book. Meg Jay is a clinical psychologist in the United States. She teaches at a university and has spent many years working with people in their twenties. In 2012 she published this book to argue with the popular idea that there's no hurry. Her case is simple. Your twenties are not a warm-up for real life. They are the years when that life gets put together: work, the people closest to you, your character and even your brain.

The book speaks to twentysomethings, but its main move fits anyone who is starting over: after a move, after a breakup, or at the point when the old life no longer brings joy and it's unclear where to go next. That is Livria's reading, not the author's words. Jay doesn't frighten you and she doesn't soothe you. She shows that a life is made of small decisions, and she invites you to make them on purpose instead of drifting.

Twelve chapters follow. They hold her clients' stories and the research she draws on. You'll learn why an identity crisis is worth putting off, why you need people you barely know, where confidence comes from, and why refusing to choose is also a choice.

Instead of an identity crisis, build capital

Helen was twenty-seven. She had once been on track for medical school, then switched to art. After college she worked as a nanny for one family after another and went on yoga retreats. She was waiting for the day it would all click and she'd know who to be. Meanwhile her friends were building careers, and Helen was pushing other people's children around town in strollers.

Jay advises clients like this to put the identity crisis aside and do something else: build identity capital. The concept comes from the sociologist James Côté. Identity capital is the collection of personal assets a person gathers over the years. Some of it shows up on a résumé: a degree, a job title, skills. Some of it doesn't: how you speak, how you solve problems, how you carry yourself with strangers.

The mistake is believing that a job that leads nowhere keeps all your doors open. In reality, years without capital are hard to explain to an employer and to yourself, and meanwhile the doors are closing. You can live inside an identity crisis forever. Capital only grows when you do something.

That leads to Jay's simple rule. When you're choosing between options, take the one that adds capital. Even if it isn't the dream job, just a step toward it.

Read in Livria

About the author

Meg Jay is an American clinical psychologist who teaches at the University of Virginia and has spent many years working with people in their twenties. Her TED talk on why thirty is not the new twenty has been watched by millions.

All books by this author: Meg Jay

Terms from the book

  • Amygdala
  • Alex
  • Franklin
  • Helen
  • Jennifer
  • Emma
  • weak ties
  • Big Five
  • Identity capital: A concept from the sociologist James Côté that Jay builds on: the collection of personal assets a person gathers over time. Some of them show up on a résumé, others show in the way you speak, think and solve problems.
  • Côté: James Côté, a Canadian sociologist who studies growing up and identity. He coined the term "identity capital".
  • Granovetter: Mark Granovetter, an American sociologist. In 1973 he published "The Strength of Weak Ties", one of the most cited papers in sociology.
  • Ian: Meg Jay's client who compared his twenties to an ocean with no land in sight. The name is given as the author gives it.
  • Unthought known: A phrase from the psychoanalyst Christopher Bollas: things a person knows about themselves but never puts into thoughts or words. Jay applies it to forgotten dreams and to truths we feel but don't say out loud.
  • Bollas: Christopher Bollas, an American psychoanalyst who works in Britain. He coined the term "the unthought known".
  • Cohabitation effect: A finding from family researchers that Jay cites: couples who lived together before getting engaged are, on average, less satisfied with their marriages and more likely to divorce. It's a correlation, not a proven cause.
  • Frontal lobe: The front part of the brain's cerebral cortex. It is involved in planning, weighing consequences and holding back impulses. It takes longer to mature than any other part.
  • Mastery experience: A lived experience of succeeding at something that was hard for you. According to the idea Jay builds on, this is what strengthens belief in yourself the most.

All terms

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