The key ideas

Why Men Lie and Women Cry

Allan and Barbara Pease, 2002

Why does a man give advice when he's asked simply to listen, and why does a woman nag about socks when something else entirely is upsetting her? Allan and Barbara Pease spent years collecting readers' questions from all over the world, and they answer them with humour and real stories. The book shows how to talk so that you're heard, how to stand firm against nagging and tears, and how to spot a lie.

Who it is for

For anyone tired of the same old arguments at home, and for everyone curious why the person closest to them hears something quite different from what was said.

A woman usually wants to be listened to, not fixed.

A letter from a man who didn't want to go home

One day the Peases got a letter from a reader who signed himself “Henpecked Jeremy”. From the minute he walked into the house until he went to sleep, his wife listed everything he hadn't done. It got to the point where he was asking his boss for overtime, just so he could get home later. On the way home his head would start to ache.

Allan and Barbara Pease had piled up tens of thousands of letters, calls and questions like this. In this book they gathered the forty questions they were asked most often. Why does he give advice when he's asked simply to listen? Why does she cry to get her way? Why do we all lie?

The authors' main idea is that men and women speak as if in two different languages. The Peases explain this through evolution and the way the brain is built. That is their view, and scientists dispute it. Their advice, though, is easier to test: just try it at home.

Ahead of you are seven scenes from the lives of real couples, and each one holds a technique you can try this very evening. Let's start with a fight over pizza.

A fight not about pizza, but about fifteen years

In a pizzeria, a couple were arguing so loudly that the whole room went quiet. He wanted pepperoni with capers, she wanted Hawaiian. She said he never listened to her, that she was sick of pizza and that he never helped with the cooking. Silence fell. He stared at the floor for a long time, then asked: “This isn't about pizza, is it? It's about the last fifteen years.”

According to the Peases, nagging often covers up a conversation that no one dares to start. People nag about small things because talking about the big thing is scarier. Often it is a cry for recognition: someone whose life is made up of unseen housework wants that work to be noticed at last.

For the one being nagged, it's like mosquito bites: everything itches, and there's nothing to swat. So the authors advise speaking directly, and about yourself. When Daniel came home late again, Sue met him with a reproach: “You don't care about anyone!” He snapped back and walked out.

The Peases show how to say it differently with the four-step “I” technique: what the person is doing, how you read it, what you feel and where it leads. “You've been coming home late for a week and not calling. Are you avoiding me? It hurts, I feel unwanted. If this goes on, I'll worry myself sick.” In this version, Daniel apologises and promises to call.

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About the author

Allan and Barbara Pease, an Australian married couple and co-authors, have spent thirty years studying how men and women differ. Their previous book, Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, sold more than six million copies.

All books by this author: Allan and Barbara Pease

Terms from the book

  • Brian
  • Cameron
  • Greg
  • Daniel
  • Sarah
  • emotional blackmail
  • Adam
  • Dennis
  • Jeremy: A reader who wrote to the Peases about a wife who nagged him from the moment he got home until bedtime. He signed himself “Henpecked Jeremy”.
  • Sue: Daniel's wife in the Peases' example. The authors use her words to show the difference between a reproach and a sentence about your own feelings.
  • Andy: Sarah's husband in a case the book takes apart. Out of habit, he started solving her problem instead of listening.
  • Rosemary: The woman in a case from the book: with her tears she got her mother moved in with her and her husband. The authors changed the names in this chapter.
  • Lorraine: Brian's wife. By her count, she gave the family thirty points more than her husband every week.
  • Raymond: A reader who sent the Peases a letter about not understanding his wife's hints.
  • indirect phrases: The Peases' name for speaking in hints instead of making a direct request. In their view, it helps a woman avoid arguments, but men take such phrases literally.
  • Sheelagh: The woman in a case from the chapter on lying: she went to a romantic dinner at Dennis's.

All terms

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