The key ideas

Man, the Manipulator: The Inner Journey from Manipulation to Actualization

Everett L. Shostrom, 1967

Who controls a family more: the person giving orders or the one quietly sighing? Psychotherapist Everett Shostrom describes eight manipulator types, from the Dictator to the Nice Guy, showing that weakness and kindness can be levers just as strength can. One axis runs through the whole book: from treating yourself and others as objects toward becoming an actualizer.

Who it is for

For anyone who wants to notice manipulation in family life, at work, and in friendships, and recognize their own habitual roles.

A manipulator is someone who exploits, uses, and controls themselves and others as objects.

What the book is about

Who controls a family more: the person loudly giving orders or the one quietly sighing and saying “Do what you like, I’ll feel awful anyway”? American psychotherapist Everett Shostrom gives an unexpected answer: perhaps both.

In 1967, he published Man, the Manipulator. In Russia, it is known under a title meaning “Anti-Carnegie, or Man, the Manipulator.” Its starting point is uncomfortable: all of us are manipulators to some degree, and usually fail to notice it.

The whole book rests on one axis. At one end is the manipulator, treating themselves and others as objects. At the other is the actualizer, living as a person among people.

A qualification first. The types discussed here are a practicing psychotherapist’s framework rather than scientific diagnosis. This is not a test of “who you are,” but a map for noticing mechanisms, above all in yourself.

Idea 1. An object or a person

Shostrom offers a stark definition, uncomfortable because it fits so many people. In his view, a manipulator exploits, uses, and controls themselves and others as objects.

The key word is “themselves.” A manipulator first turns themselves into an object: hiding real feelings, playing a role, managing their own facial expression. Only then do they treat others the same way. Shostrom says people learn this from childhood to avoid trouble and get what they want, doing it largely unconsciously.

In this system, the actualizer is the opposite pole. They treat themselves and others as people with feelings and a will of their own. For Shostrom, the price of manipulation is boredom, anxiety, and relationships in which roles meet rather than people.

A colleague agrees with everyone in meetings for years, then complains that nobody hears them. They hide what they really want.

For Shostrom, the boundary runs within each person rather than between “bad” and “good” people: at any moment, you can treat someone, including yourself, as an object or as a person.

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About the author

Everett Shostrom (1921–1992) was an American psychologist and psychotherapist. He wrote Man, the Manipulator and developed the Personal Orientation Inventory, which measures self-actualization.

All books by this author: Everett L. Shostrom

Terms from the book

  • Cynicism
  • Manipulator: For Shostrom, someone who treats themselves and others as objects to be controlled. The author’s term rather than a clinical diagnosis.
  • Actualizer: For Shostrom, someone who develops their potential and relies on honesty, awareness, freedom, and trust. An image from the book rather than a scientific category.
  • Actualization: The process of growing and developing your potential. Shostrom uses a concept previously developed by Maslow, Rogers, and other psychologists.
  • Polarities: In Shostrom’s model, opposing sides of a personality, such as strength and weakness, anger and love. The author’s framework rather than scientific diagnosis.

All terms

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