The key ideas

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Marshall B. Rosenberg, 1999

During a meeting in a refugee camp, a man shouts “Murderer!” at the author. By the end, he invites him home for dinner. Marshall Rosenberg explains what happened between those moments and presents his method: four steps for discussing conflict without blame and hearing what lies behind another person’s harsh words.

Who it is for

For anyone who often argues with loved ones or colleagues and wants to discuss difficult things without blame.

Judgments of others are distorted expressions of our own unmet needs.

About the book

Bethlehem, Dheisheh refugee camp. American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg is explaining his method to about a hundred and seventy men in a mosque. On the way, he saw empty tear-gas canisters on the ground marked “Made in the USA.” During the meeting, a man jumps up and shouts, “Murderer!” Other voices join in.

By the end of the meeting, that same man will invite Rosenberg home for a Ramadan dinner. What happened between the shout and the invitation will become clear toward the end of the book.

Rosenberg called his approach Nonviolent Communication. It is a way of speaking and listening rather than a collection of polite phrases. It rests on four questions: what exactly happened, what do I feel, what do I need, and what am I asking for? The book’s status matters: this is a practitioner’s system developed through his work with conflict. Research on its effectiveness remains limited and varied.

Idea 1. Language in which nobody is responsible

Rosenberg grew up in Detroit. In the summer of 1943, shortly after his family moved there, racial unrest broke out and they stayed indoors for several days. At school, two boys heard his surname and hissed an antisemitic insult. Throughout his life, he wondered why some people can be cruel while others retain compassion even in difficult circumstances.

He sought part of the answer in language. Rosenberg cites an example from Hannah Arendt’s book on Adolf Eichmann’s trial. Eichmann said that officers had their own name for official language in which “Why did you do it?” was answered with “I had to” or “Orders from above.”

Rosenberg suggests that similar phrases appear in ordinary life: “I had no choice,” “That’s how it’s done,” or “You made me do it.” Along with labels and comparisons, he sees them as language that can distance us from our feelings and from responsibility for our choices.

An employee tells a colleague, “Sorry, I have to send your report back. Those are the rules.” They almost believe they had no choice.

In Rosenberg’s model, words such as “I have to” can conceal a choice even from the person saying them. Noticing such a phrase is a first step toward seeing that you are making the decision.

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About the author

Marshall Rosenberg was an American psychologist and founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication. He spent many years mediating conflicts in different countries and teaching his approach.

All books by this author: Marshall B. Rosenberg

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Terms from the book

  • Empathy
  • demand
  • Nonviolent Communication: Marshall Rosenberg’s approach to speaking and listening through four components: observation, feelings, needs and requests. A practitioner’s system, not a scientific theory.
  • Observation: A description of what happened without judgments or labels, as a camera might record it.
  • Need: In Rosenberg’s model, something important to a person that lies behind their feelings, such as support, respect or rest.

All terms

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