The key ideas

Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad and the Surprising Good in Wanting to Feel Special

Craig Malkin, 2015

In the myth, next to Narcissus stood the nymph Echo, who could only repeat other people's words. A Harvard psychologist suggests looking at narcissism as a scale: at one end is fear of any attention to oneself, at the other is dependence on the feeling of one's own exceptionality. In the middle, he believes, lies a healthy sense of self-worth, which can help us live and love.

Who it is for

For those who are tired of the word “narcissist” as a label, who find it hard to ask for what they want or to accept praise, and for parents who want to raise a confident but sensitive child.

At its core, pathological narcissism is a desperate need to feel special. In effect, it can be called an addiction to the feeling of being special.

What the Book Is About

The word “narcissist” often sounds today like a verdict: people call their exes, bosses and relatives that. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist who teaches at Harvard Medical School, asks us to stop and ask: what if every person wants to feel special, and a shortage of that feeling can get in the way of living just as much as an excess of it?

In the book Rethinking Narcissism he describes narcissism as a scale, not a label. At one end are people who fear any attention to themselves. In the middle lies a healthy sense of self-worth. At the other end is dependence on the feeling of being exceptional.

An important frame. The scale is the author's model, not a test or a diagnosis. The book helps you understand yourself and your relationships, but it does not diagnose you or the people close to you.

Idea 1. The Nymph Who Could Only Repeat

Malkin starts with an ancient myth that is usually told only halfway. Everyone remembers the young man Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection. Less often do people recall the second figure, the nymph Echo.

The goddess Hera punished Echo: she lost her own voice and could only repeat the last words of others. Echo fell in love with Narcissus, but she could neither call to him nor say what she wanted. He rejected her.

For Malkin these two are the two ends of one scale. One sees only himself. The other almost disappears beside him.

Your friend spends the whole evening telling you about her promotion. You nod and keep saying “cool”, and never mention your own news.

In the author's view, the problem may be not only too much attention to oneself, but also its near total absence.

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About the author

Craig Malkin is an American clinical psychologist who teaches at Harvard Medical School. For more than thirty years he has worked with individuals, couples and families. He runs a private practice in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

All books by this author: Craig Malkin

Terms from the book

  • Healthy narcissism
  • Echoism: A concept from popular psychology, developed by Malkin: fear of seeming narcissistic, and difficulty speaking about one's own wishes. Not a diagnosis.
  • Three Es: The author's scheme: exploitation, entitlement and diminished empathy. A frame for understanding, not a test or a diagnosis.
  • Narcissistic personality disorder: An official psychiatric diagnosis (it is in DSM-5, for example). It is made only by a specialist, after an assessment.
  • Authoritative parenting: A parenting style that combines warmth with clear, understood rules. Malkin sees it as a support for the healthy middle of the scale.
  • Empathy prompts: A technique from the book: first say how much the person and the relationship matter to you, then say what you feel. It may help, but it does not guarantee change.

All terms

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