The key ideas

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

Kristin Neff, 2011

Why is it so easy to support a friend and so hard to speak kindly to ourselves? Kristin Neff, one of the first to study self-compassion scientifically, shows that being kind to yourself is not weakness or self-indulgence. It is a steadier foundation than high self-esteem. You will learn what it is made of and how to turn to it in a hard moment.

Who it is for

For anyone used to scolding themselves for every mistake and believing it is the best way to get better. And for anyone whose mood soars and crashes with what other people think of them.

We are told that no matter how hard we try, our best is still not good enough. It is time to try something different.

A shame no logic could fix

In 1997 Kristin Neff was finishing her graduate studies at Berkeley and going through what she calls a very painful divorce. The marriage ended because of her choice: she left her husband for another man. Neff had always thought of herself as a deeply moral person, and now the shame would not let go of her, day or night. Meditation helped her calm down a little. In Buddhism she came across an idea that seemed strange at first: you can treat yourself with the same compassion you would give someone you love who is in trouble.

Later Neff became a researcher at the University of Texas at Austin and one of the first to study self-compassion scientifically. In this 2011 book she weaves together three threads: experiments, an old Buddhist idea, and her own life, which tested that idea more than once.

The book's main idea sounds simple. When you are hurting or you make a mistake, you do not have to put yourself on trial. You can treat yourself kindly instead. Neff shows that this is not weakness and not an attempt to excuse yourself. It is a steadier foundation than high self-esteem, which almost all of modern culture is chasing.

You will learn the three parts of self-compassion, why the chase for self-esteem is so exhausting, and what to do in the moment when you want to tear into yourself. You will also find out what happened to Neff on a plane over the Atlantic, where there was nowhere to hide.

You would never talk to a friend like that

Imagine a close friend calls you one evening. He has been laid off. He feels lost and does not know what to do next. You are unlikely to answer, "Serves you right, you are useless anyway." You are more likely to say that this happens to lots of people, that it is not only about him, and that you will figure out together what to do.

Now remember what you say to yourself when the mistake is yours. This is exactly the comparison Neff suggests, and for many people it is an unpleasant discovery. We say things to ourselves we would not say to an enemy: "I've ruined it again," "What is wrong with me," "I'll never get this right."

That is where her definition comes from. Self-compassion is simply compassion turned toward yourself. There is nothing mystical about it: you notice that you are suffering, and you answer with warmth instead of a blow.

Why doesn't the blow help? Neff explains it through the body. When we attack ourselves, an ancient threat defense system switches on. Adrenaline and cortisol flood the bloodstream, as if a predator were nearby. But here the attacker and the victim are the same person, so there is nowhere to run, and the tension keeps building.

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About the author

Kristin Neff is an American psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin. She was one of the first to study self-compassion scientifically and created a scale to measure it.

All books by this author: Kristin Neff

Terms from the book

  • Adrenaline
  • Cortisol
  • Mindfulness
  • Self-esteem
  • meditation
  • Narcissism
  • Berkeley
  • Oxytocin
  • Ginny
  • Mantra
  • Self-compassion
  • Buddhism
  • Self-kindness: The first part of self-compassion in Neff's model: a warm, supportive attitude toward yourself instead of harsh judgment.
  • Common humanity: The second part of self-compassion in Neff's model: knowing that mistakes and suffering are familiar to everyone, not only to you.
  • Over-identification: Neff's term for the state in which a person merges completely with what they feel and loses the ability to look at it from the outside.
  • Twenge: Jean Twenge, an American psychologist and professor at San Diego State University. She studies how the values and character of different generations change.
  • Vonk: Roos Vonk, a Dutch social psychologist. Together with Neff she carried out a large study of self-esteem and self-compassion.
  • Rowan: The son of Kristin Neff and Rupert Isaacson. He was diagnosed with autism at the age of three.
  • Autism: A developmental difference that affects communication, perception and behavior. It shows itself very differently in different people.
  • Isaacson: Rupert Isaacson, a British writer and at that time Neff's husband. He wrote a book about the family's journey to Mongolia in search of help for their son.

All terms

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