The key ideas

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Lundy Bancroft, 2002

“I just lost it.” That is how many men who demean their partners explain their outbursts. By the time this book came out, Lundy Bancroft had spent about fifteen years working with such men, and he concluded that anger is often not the real issue. The book shows how an abuser thinks, why he can be so charming in public, and which actions tell real change apart from promises.

Who it is for

For anyone trying to understand what is happening in a painful relationship, for the people close to them, and for professionals who help survivors of domestic violence.

Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.

What the book is about

A man lashes out at his partner and then says, “I just lost it.” Lundy Bancroft heard that line from his clients for years, and he would answer it with one awkward question. What they said in reply reveals a great deal about where abuse comes from.

Bancroft worked at Emerge, one of the first programs in the United States for men who are violent toward their partners, and served as its co-director. According to his official biography, he has worked with more than two thousand such cases. The book is built around the questions women ask about their partners, and the main one is its title.

An honest frame. The book presents the author's own model and professional experience, not a scientific study. It helps you understand how abuse works, but it does not diagnose you or anyone close to you, and it is no reason to hand out labels. If you are in danger, your safety comes first: reach out to people you trust, to a domestic violence helpline, or to a specialist.

Idea 1. Why he didn't do worse

When a client told Bancroft he had lost control, Bancroft asked: then why didn't you do something even worse? And clients, he says, almost always had an answer. He didn't want to hurt her badly. The neighbors were on the other side of the wall. He didn't want the police to come.

So even in the most “uncontrollable” moment, the man kept weighing the consequences. For the author, this is the key point: the behavior is chosen, even if not always consciously.

Where the outbursts happen says the same thing. At work, with his boss and his friends, such a man often holds himself back. At home, he doesn't.

A man yells at his partner so loudly the windows rattle, yet his tone changes instantly when the phone rings and his boss's name lights up the screen.

If someone can stop when there are witnesses, then “I wasn't in control of myself” is sometimes less an accurate account of the outburst than a convenient explanation after the fact.

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About the author

Lundy Bancroft is an American expert on domestic violence and a former co-director of Emerge, one of the first programs in the United States for men who are violent toward their partners. He has worked as a counselor and clinical supervisor, writes books and trains professionals.

All books by this author: Lundy Bancroft

Terms from the book

  • Abuse: A pattern of behavior through which one partner controls, demeans or intimidates the other. It can be physical, emotional, financial or sexual, including without open violence.
  • Sense of entitlement: In Bancroft's model, a person's conviction that he is owed special rights and service in a relationship. The author sees it as the core of abusive thinking.
  • Double standards: Rules a person applies to others but not to himself: he is allowed to do what his partner gets punished for.
  • Couples therapy: A couple working together with a therapist. Bancroft considers it unsuitable when there is abuse: in his view, it can become one more arena for control.
  • Emerge: A program in the United States for men who are violent toward their partners. Bancroft was its co-director.

All terms

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