The key ideas

Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person

Shonda Rhimes, 2015

Shonda Rhimes created hit shows, raised three daughters, and said no to almost everything until her sister said so aloud. She then promised herself a year of saying yes to everything frightening: speeches, compliments, playing with her children, difficult conversations, and her own body. This is what happened, and how to stop turning life down in advance.

Who it is for

For anyone used to refusing in advance, hiding from life in work, and struggling to accept praise or ask for help.

You never say yes to anything.

One sentence in the kitchen

Imagine Thanksgiving: morning, a kitchen, pots on the stove. Your sister chops vegetables and murmurs a sentence without looking up. On November 28, 2013, this is how Shonda Rhimes’s older sister Delorse told her, “You never say yes to anything.” It was a calm observation rather than a reproach in an argument, which made it hurt even more.

From outside, Shonda’s life looked like a dream. She was a showrunner, the chief writer and leader of a series, and all America knew her shows Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal. Three daughters waited at home. Invitations were plentiful, but her answer was almost always no. Before interviews, panic gripped her so strongly she could not later remember what she had said. Work became shelter: while filming continued, she could ignore how life had shrunk to office size. Between seasons, she could sleep fourteen hours straight simply to avoid thinking.

Shonda promised herself a whole year of saying yes to everything that frightened her. This book describes what came of it. Here are a graduation speech, compliments hard to accept, playing with children, conversations avoided for years, and her own body, easily neglected when work takes over.

If you recognize the wish to refuse in advance simply to avoid having to do anything later, this book is for you. We begin with the first frightening yes.

Yes first, courage afterward

In January 2014, Shonda turned forty-four and honestly admitted she was unhappy. Around then, an invitation came from her former college. It was Dartmouth, among America’s oldest institutions, and its president Phil Hanlon wanted her to address graduates. Previously, she would have refused at once. By her own admission, no was convenient because after yes you would actually have to go and do something. Now she said yes, with six months of fear ahead.

Next came an invitation to Jimmy Kimmel’s late-night talk show. Shonda remembered what her interviews used to become. She hid behind what she calls athlete-speak, smooth, empty phrases revealing nothing. But she could no longer refuse: a promise was a promise. She found a way. She agreed, but arranged to record rather than broadcast live. If anything went wrong, it could be cut. The recording happened, and nothing terrible occurred.

It resembles a first jump into cold water. Waiting until fear disappears is pointless: it lasts until the jump. But you can choose a lower platform. Shonda did not have to become brave overnight. She said yes and chose conditions that made it bearable.

The graduation speech went similarly. For months, Shonda wrote a smooth, proper text that felt false. Twenty-four hours before speaking, she rewrote it. Her first advice to graduates was to abandon dreaming and start doing. When she was young, she dreamed of becoming the great writer Toni Morrison; things moved only when she stopped dreaming of someone else’s fate and began working on her own.

Here is a conclusion you can use. When an offer frightens you, ask “Under what conditions can I?” rather than simply “Can I?” Turn the dream hanging like a postcard on the fridge for years into one action this week.

Read in Livria

About the author

Shonda Rhimes is an American screenwriter and producer, and creator of Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal.

All books by this author: Shonda Rhimes

Terms from the book

  • Thanksgiving
  • Kimmel
  • Dartmouth
  • Morrison
  • McCarthy
  • Apnea
  • Delorse: Shonda Rhimes’s older sister. Her remark in the kitchen on Thanksgiving 2013 began the year of yes.
  • Showrunner: The chief writer and leader of a television series, responsible for both scripts and production.
  • Grey’s Anatomy: Shonda Rhimes’s American medical drama about surgeons at a Seattle hospital, running since 2005.
  • Scandal: Shonda Rhimes’s political series about a crisis-management expert in Washington, broadcast from 2012 to 2018.
  • Hanlon: Phil Hanlon, Dartmouth College’s president from 2013 to 2023.
  • Mommy wars: An American expression for arguments and competition among mothers: working or staying home with children, and how to raise a child properly.
  • Houston: Whitney Houston, an American singer and one of the best-known performers of the 1980s and 1990s.

All terms

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