The key ideas

No More Mr. Nice Guy!

Robert Glover, 2003

He is polite, reliable, never argues, and still does not get what he wants in love, in bed, or at work. Family therapist Robert Glover calls this Nice Guy Syndrome and shows where it comes from and why kindness aimed at approval becomes resentment. The book presents his plan: stop hiding, put your needs first, and ask directly.

Who it is for

For anyone used to pleasing everyone, avoiding conflict, and silently accumulating resentment when kindness is not returned. And for anyone living beside such a person who wants to understand them.

Almost everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously designed to win someone’s approval or avoid disapproval.

The man who does everything right

Imagine Maxim. He has a good job, a home, and a wife, Olya. He remembers her commitments, yields in arguments, fixes things, drives her places, helps out, and never raises his voice. He considers himself someone you can always rely on. One thing troubles him: Olya is increasingly cold toward him, and he does not understand why.

After all, he does more for her than many husbands. He demands nothing aloud but keeps a private tally, and by that tally she has owed him for a long time. He feels he always gives much more than he receives, and resentment toward his wife grows every week.

Glover, a family therapist and, in his own words, a recovering Nice Guy, heard this resentment from many men. He called its root Nice Guy Syndrome. This is an image from the book, not a diagnosis. A Nice Guy believes something is wrong with him just as he is. To be loved, he tries to become what others want and hides anything that might cause displeasure.

You will discover where this habit comes from, the hidden terms a Nice Guy lives by, and why his care so often ends in resentment. You will also learn how Glover proposes reclaiming strength, finding support among other men, and building love and intimacy without bargaining. His answer is not to become rude. Let us begin in childhood, where it all starts.

The boy who decided he was the problem

Imagine Maxim’s childhood. At home, he was praised when he caused no trouble: no crying, no arguments, good grades. When he became angry or asked for something, adults grew irritated or turned away. The boy quickly learned that being accommodating was easiest.

Glover says it starts with something simple: a young child cannot understand that parents are imperfect. When needs go unnoticed, adults get angry, use him, or smother him with care, he reaches the only conclusion available: something is wrong with me. Glover groups these experiences under one word: abandonment. It can occur even when parents are physically present.

This conclusion produces toxic shame: believing you are inherently bad rather than because of something you did. Think of a stain on a shirt a child learns to cover with his hand. To hide it, he devises a strategy: be good, cause no problems, conceal anger, wishes, and mistakes. It helps him survive childhood and keeps running automatically in adulthood, like an alarm clock nobody switched off.

Glover also looks beyond the family. In recent decades, many boys grew up with fathers who were almost always working or had left. They were raised mainly by women: mothers and teachers. The boy learned to be good by their standards and rarely saw a man nearby he could learn from.

What can you do? Glover suggests recalling the ideas about yourself instilled in childhood and examining them with adult eyes. A child with no other explanation reached the conclusion “I’m not how I should be.” That conclusion can be reconsidered, without needing to find someone to blame.

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About the author

Robert Glover is an American family therapist from Washington State with a doctorate in marriage and family therapy. He calls himself a recovering Nice Guy.

All books by this author: Robert Glover

Terms from the book

  • barb
  • I-statement
  • Nice Guy Syndrome: Glover’s image, not a medical diagnosis: seeking love and approval by being good, accommodating, and trouble-free.
  • Abandonment: Glover’s term for any childhood experience of needs being ignored, being used, facing anger, or being smothered with care, even with parents present.
  • Toxic shame: The belief that you are inherently bad, not because of an action. Glover considers it the root of Nice Guy Syndrome.
  • Covert contract: Glover’s concept: the unspoken condition “I’ll do this for you, and in return you’ll do that for me,” which the other person neither knows about nor agreed to.
  • Victim puking: Glover’s deliberately crude expression for an outburst of blame and anger when a Nice Guy’s silently accumulated resentment finally erupts.
  • Caretaking: Glover’s term for care with a catch: giving another person what you need yourself and expecting payment in return.
  • Gil: A man in the book who stopped solving his girlfriend Barb’s problems and controlling the outcome.
  • Integrity: For Glover, deciding what you yourself believe is right and acting accordingly, rather than doing what others expect.
  • Integrated male: Glover’s concept for a man who accepts both softness and strength, values himself, and does not seek approval. A model from the book, not a scientific term.

All terms

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