The key ideas

The Power of the Pussy: How to Get What You Want from Men

Kara King, 2012

Why do men treat some women like queens, while others cry again and again over yet another liar? Kara King has gathered twelve rules on keeping your feelings in check, not rushing into sex and testing a man by what he does. The title doesn't mince words, and neither does the book. It's a frank talk from a girlfriend about how to find someone who will truly value you.

Who it is for

For women who are tired of going back to men who hurt them, and who want to understand how to choose a man who is ready to make an effort for the relationship.

A person can say “I love you” a million times and it means nothing.

What does he see in her?

You've surely come across a couple like this: he's good-looking and attentive, she doesn't stand out in any way, and everyone around wonders what he sees in her. Or a friend with a difficult temper whose man would do anything for her. Kara King is sure this is no accident. Some women get there by instinct, others know exactly what they're doing.

King calls their techniques “powers” and counts twelve of them. She writes bluntly, like a friend at the kitchen table, and she loves to generalise: “all men”, “all women”. This is her experience and her view, not science, and you can argue with it.

The book's main idea is simple: a woman gets what she wants from men when she stops chasing them and makes them work for it. Ahead are seven chapters: how to keep your feelings in check, why not to rush into sex, how to test a man by what he does and when it's time to leave. Let's start with the hardest part.

A broken heart heals if you leave it alone

King opens with a familiar scene. A man broke your heart and walked away as if nothing had happened. A sensible person would let him go, but we ask ourselves a hundred times why he did it, invent excuses for him and make plans to win him back. King explains that in moments like these we aren't thinking: our feelings are deciding for us.

In her view, a man who wants to use a woman plays precisely on her feelings. So the first power is this: you can feel, but your head has to decide. The pain won't go anywhere, and King doesn't hide that.

She advises treating a broken heart like a scraped knee: you don't pick at it, you bandage it and wait. While it heals, keep yourself busy: see your friends, join a gym, get a puppy. You'll still think about him, and that's normal: the main thing is not to call. Filler dates help too: you go on them not for love, but so you spend four hours not calling your ex. Make a “Things I Hate About You” list, from his lies to the mole on his back, and reread it on a hard day.

The same rule applies at the start of a relationship. Don't be the one to start texting, and don't call if he didn't call when he promised. King advises ending two conversations out of three before he does: let him wonder whether you like him. If a man is interested, he'll come to you himself.

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About the author

Kara King is an American writer, a former radio host from Miami and the owner of her own business. She spent three years writing her book on dating, drawing on her own experience before she married.

All books by this author: Kara King

Terms from the book

  • Edison
  • filler dates: An image from the book, not a technical term: dates you go on not for the sake of a relationship, but to fill your time and take your mind off a breakup.
  • Things I Hate About You: King's exercise: a list of everything that annoyed you about your ex, from big hurts to small things. You reread it whenever you feel the pull to go back.
  • 60-day rule: King's rule: don't have sex with a man you like for at least two months, so you can test his intentions.
  • Prince Charming: King's name for her test: ask a man for help when you're in a tight spot and see whether he rushes to the rescue. The name refers to the fairy-tale prince who saves the heroine.
  • Little Haiti: A Miami neighbourhood where people from Haiti have long settled.
  • pots on a stove: King's image: the men a single woman dates are like pots on the burners. The most interesting ones sit on the front burners, the spares on the back.
  • Tom, Dick, and Harry: In English this phrase means just anyone, whoever comes along. King borrowed the names for an invented example about three men.
  • loser: A type of man in King's book: someone who lies, cheats, doesn't work and gives nothing to the relationship. It's her label, not a psychological term.
  • user: A type of man in King's book: someone who knowingly lives off a woman, her money, her home or her car. It's her label, not a psychological term.

All terms

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